In Search Of: Balance

So I’m sitting here sipping on more ginger tea and talking to my stomach, asking it to be nice and quit griping me.  I’ve even added in some rubbing to soothe.  I think I even rub my tummy in my sleep!  Dammit I want my mommy!! Yesterday was another day at another doctor explaining everything from last October until now and being told to go fill another prescription and get more blood drawn.  Every time I think I’ve solved the puzzle of fatigue and nausea and intermittent vomiting I get yanked back.  And no I’m not pregnant.

I got one thing diagnosed and treated so I’m not nearly as tired as before but every so often, and without warning, my stomach sends me a message: all is not well down here, please fix.  So I go from days of grabbing sushi for lunch and coming home to cook dinner and indulging in dessert and a drink – generally being A-OK – to waking up one morning and making a mad dash for the bathroom or getting up from the couch and feeling like nausea is my name.  Good thing I keep the toilet clean so when i’m face first over it I’m not too grossed out.

Yeah my stomach woes don’t seem life threatening but boy have they disrupted my nicely planned life.  Today I should be sitting day one of the NY bar…now I’d be just finished lunch and well into part two of the day and already preparing my mind for day two.  But nope, I’m home blogging, fiddling with a trial version of Photoshop so that I can fix that hideous header, and coming from down an irate high by listening to some 1998 juggling cassettes. (I can’t lie, I miss Ghost and Scare Dem.)

Let me tell you, there’s nothing like having to lay flat on your back – or like at Thanksgiving to sleep propped up because laying down was suffocating – because you’re too tired to move and being lost in thought.  It was because of these periods of bed and couch rest that I had oodles of time to think about my life and the plans I’d made all while getting hooked on Farmville, Cafe World, Fishville, and eventually Twitter.  Of these only the Farmville and Twitter survived and of course my plans are in disarray.  NO bar exam this Summer.  Job hunt is in some weird intermediary stage.  And while I still have my apartment I’m dependent on the parents again.


But there must be a good lesson in all of this.  Shit, there better damn well and be, and I think I’ve found it: I need to not live my life in extremes.  I need balance.  I’m not on this Earth merely to exist.  Since leaving my job in NY for law school in DC I’ve gone all out.  My life was law school.  I went to class, went to the library, came home.  I didn’t socialize much with my classmates – and they’re nice people – but I was stuck in my own mourning and hardworking bubble.  I didn’t call my nephews as much & stopped visiting NY.  I stopped talking to my friends as much as I used to or liked to.  For me it was NOT OK to go to the movies; I could be reading a chapter instead.  TV wasn’t enjoyable anymore but rather an excuse to zone out.  That’s not restful or good for my mind.  I quit reading much anything except law school books, articles, and blogs.  I think I even stopped laughing since one day I buss out and Daddy said, “Wow, it’s nice to hear that again.”  For that man to make note of that is a huge deal.  This intense focus on law school has not yielded the dividends I expected, though.  Instead, because of too much work and ZERO play + dealing with a very hurtful break up my body eventually shut down and refused to GO.  Not until it and my mind got some rest.  Not until I got off the path I was on and on to one that wasn’t so mentally and physically costly.

Even as I write this I realize that I must have been miserable but boy did I hide it well.  That really was no way to live.  In a way I let a few things – big things in my estimation but still only a few – hijack control of my life and steer it in an unhealthy and unbalanced direction.

balance: a situation in which different parts are in correct proportions

There are many things that I love to do that I’d shunned but life isn’t to be lived like that.  My life will not be lived like that again.  I like to write.  I like people.  I like music. I like to go for walks and snap pix.  I like to lollygag and people watch.  I like to eat and cook and bake.  I love to learn.  I like to read. I like shoes.  I like to window shop and daydream.   As I search for balance I’m doing these things more and I’m trying not to look at them as distractions or chores…they’re a necessary part of my life.  I suppose this may be an obvious or old lesson for some *shrug* but not for me.

As for my plans…well they’re in a state of flux since the thinking floodgates have now opened.  At least my parents and friends are supportive…so for now I spend the days resting (I swear if another doctor tells me to “get some rest” I might stab him or her with a pen), reading, job hunting, and slowly reforming my personal and career plans.  Ahh the luxury of time for me to get the things in my life in the correct proportion.

mood: introspective
sounds: the fountain downstairs + Scare Dem & Bucaneer on the beat for “Sail Away” by Enya…yes we went there…1998 juggling to di werl!

One Response to “In Search Of: Balance”
  1. shumpy says:

    Glad you are back. You are a WHOLE person, made up of lots of varied things. None more important than the next. Enjoy the rediscovery my pal.

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