The Cacophony is Loud and Persistent Yet Indecipherable

Is listening to your heart wise? Heck, how do you even listen to your heart? How do you filter out its voice from all the other mental traffic?

I’ve been thinking long and hard since regular school’s been out about what I really want from my life. The past few years have been a definite healing process; it’s been painful but o so necessary. I’ve had to look long & hard at myself and sometimes say – yep, that needs fixing, miss lady. And I have fixed and am still fixing. Amidst all of the fixing, though, I’ve also let go of my fears. Yeah, a couple are still left but like I said, I’m fixing.

Through all of this I’m trying to follow my heart. But lately I’ve been wondering if it’s the correct thing to do. Is it wise? Especially as it concerns a career, it doing the logical thing dictated by brain the best thing to do? So far I’ve followed all the steps required – graduate high school, get into college & graduate, find a job and keep it, keep working on my education…but then what? At this stage in my life – and I guess many people who are on the 30 side of 20 – the path forward seems really unclear. And in what way should I continue that education? I thought I’d chosen the right way but in the midst of it all, I’m now having serious second thoughts. Ahh, where did my certainty go?!

My heart is telling me to get out even at this stage but of course my mind is weighing the options and is handing down a big fat NO. My heart is telling me that I should be out there helping ordinary people find firm footing in this world, helping to empower; my mind is saying, hello missus yuh nuh have student loans and bills to pay back, there’s no money in jus’ helping ordinary people. Well, maybe that’s the one thing I do know: that I want to be out helping ordinary people from the beginning, not on the tail end when shit has hit the fan and they’re at the mercy of the courts. My heart is screaming that I’m making myself miserable sticking this out; my mind is saying you’re making yourself marketable and putting yourself on firm footing. Grrr.

It’s not that I hate law school – the learning process has always fascinated me and I like learning about the law – but I am not sure how to make the law a tool for me. Quite simply my heart’s not in it as I had anticipated. And I am absolutely unable to force myself to love something; it either happens or it doesn’t.

I lied. I’m not happy. Yikes.

mood: err, I don’t know
sounds: TLC’s “Little People, Big World”

One Response to “The Cacophony is Loud and Persistent Yet Indecipherable”
  1. Shumpy says:

    I do hope you find clarity.I have always been unsure of what I wanted to "be" and people are ALWAYS asking. I have wasted years but I think little by little I've gotten there. I would love to say drop it and run if there's no passion for law school anymore but as a sister my brain (& alas! not my heart) is thinking you should tough it out. I want the best for you and even though you may not utilize the degree in a traditional way, you never know where life may take you as you search for your truth. Disclaimer: I have been successfully brainwashed by Mary & my motto is to always complete what has been started. Dunno if it's the right thing all the time but she's been right thus far

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