Guest Post | From the Mouth of A Matie

The post below is anonymous.  It comes to CJ courtesy of a submission to Jamaican Blogger Mamachel (she tweets as @mamachell). The issue of the “other woman” is a popular and much debated one in Jamaican culture, which the poster alludes to with her quotations of popular Dancehall tunes.  There have been many songs bigging up with wifey and many condemning and bigging up the matie.  A friend even told me once that Jamaican family structure was, at one time, stabilized by the matie: this “other woman” was known to the wife, and would not let the man get away with abandoning or failing to take care of his home and children…she knew her place but also had influence and that influence was expected, even appreciated by the wife.  However, Jamaica is not alone with the issue of the other woman (see recent stories involving Dominique Strauss-Kahn and the beginnings of the relationship with his current wife, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the maid, Shania Twain and her best friend and now ex-husband, John Edwards blah blah blah).  Boys being boys? Or blame the woman?  Ever wondered what the other woman thinks? I honestly don’t know and often find myself berating the woman especially if she knows that he has a family.  But the men always know, eh? The topic is a slightly touchy topic for me as my family has been “victim” to the cheating bug…matie did not observe number 9 at all but I was told that her failure to do so was the fault of the man in the matter, i.e. he had failed to keep the chick in line.   All that said, I find the post below very forthright and raw…and sometimes ironic; she’s certainly put it out there.  Read on to find out what the other women thinks.  As always, comments and feedback are welcome.

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“A gyal a chat tell her fi leave dem alone cus if di body did good di man wuda come hommme , tek di man because u hotta dan she tek a gyal man and tun dat inna matey style”

I wanted to do this blog for awhile the never ending issue of “wifey vs matey.”  I feel I am able to speak because I’ve been both, and I am not talking about “open relationships.”  I am talking about us women, who commit ourselves to a man who is otherwise engaged (literally or physically).  Ever hear of the woman who was a mistress for 20 years and you wonder how come? How could she do that? The answer is not money; I will tell you how: if you do one year, you can do two and after that it’s easy.

I was a mistress for close to 6 years.  I was “happy and devoted” to the cause but I actually didn’t set out to become one.  I sorta ended up one — long story short, he disappeared for two weeks and came back married.  He said it was a mistake, I was 16 he was 18.  And he was my dream come true.

I won’t go into details except to say I didn’t set out to hurt anybody, I was just in love.  I just thought eventually she would disappear. Nothing dramatic but just that she would just disappear “poof” and I could have my happy life again, because in all truth in the end my true grouse was she was living my life; she had my man, his baby and his house, wtf!!

To all you mistresses out there (aspiring & veteran) you will agree that despite all the “perks” that your situation may come with, there are certain inalienable truths of the mistress life that will forever distinguish you from the term “wife”:

1.  The timetable.  Every mistress has a timetable.  You can’t call after certain hours, you can only call certain numbers, and there is a lot of waiting around.  And even if your man is liberal, there is always a time where he is suddenly unavailable

2.  The thrill will die.  At first he will have all the time in the world for you , don’t worry that’s because his girl/wife hasn’t smelled the rat yet, once she has she will tighten her grip , he will not cause disharmony in his home for you, he will make you wait.

3.  Go ahead complain, make noise.  The following words will pop up “You’re not being understanding,” “You knew what you were getting yourself into,” and  “Nobody not holding any gun to you head.”

3a.  Oh and fuck around and make him hear say you outta road wid man, just cause him tell u bout “no gun to head.”  Man logic is not woman logic you hear, and unless you can take two punch sit your ass down.

4.  You become a hermit.  Not all your friends will support this decision.  They are your friends and they want to look out for you, but after awhile they won’t be able to sympathise or even understand, so slowly but surely you will be friendless…with no friends you are drawn deeper into your abyss.

5.  You are on call/on demand, because you are not the wife.  In the beginning of my love affair I saw him every day but at the end of it I remember going 2/3 weeks.  Mind you he wasn’t even 20 mins away.

6.  You are the rule and not the exception.  For one, you are the 2nd in command so you know everything , all the tricks, all the lies…why do you believe he is gonna wife you? By the way if there is a number 2, there is possibly nos. 3 – 6.  I know you don’t believe me, you can’t afford to believe me.

7.  He has a home.  Don’t think your situation is better than the average, yea yea he sleeps over 6 /7 days a week…and so?? “My man” would leave my house at 7AM BROAD DAYLIGHT and it would piss me off.  Why!!!  Because regardless if he left at noon, he is going home and home isn’t where I live.

8.  Sundays & the Holidays are “family time” and you are not family! YOU WILL FEEL LIKE A DUN OUT BAGJUICE. Worse if he’s the type to touch road, memba if she never go road before, she going road Xmas, ’cause Xmas is when the wives come out and Xmas trumps all. #WifeyWinning

9.  The harassment.  It’s not for every wife, but the majority will call, confront, acid and beer tings why bother?  In the same vain, you mates out there stop call and stress out the woman.  Do not engage at all with her, at all.  TACKY.

10.  I implore you: do not breed for a man with a wife…I don’t think I need to explain the damage this causes all around, whether you have the baby or not.

11.  Don’t wait untill you find someone else to leave him, for one is beeeer married man going look you, because you unknowingly bear the scarlet M.  Just try to leave.  It’s hard, you might go back 100 times, a nuh nutten try again.

12.  And really more than anything, it’s the after effects that will damage you: when you become a wife.  You will have the worst complex in life, to the point where you will become psychotic; remember I said you know the tricks of the trade. Your insecurities will ruin your relationship.

Some of you will nod in agreement, and some still too deep in your abyss to understand what you are doing to yourself.  It’s okay.  Wait until he starts blaming you for everything.  Wait until you skin out in the parking lot at work over your steering wheel or in traffic a blubbering mess, because of what you are putting yourself through.  Wait until him walk past you with her in public, or worst with next girl.  Oh that wont happen to you right?

Because your man loves you, and wifey knows about you and haffi hold her corner right? Really?!

Now a word to the wives: maybe my situation has made me biased, but some of you need to stop thinking that your husband/man is such a fricking devoted saint.  If he has a buddy, he will get lucky.  Stop being so blindly trusting; stay deh play the “I’m not jealous, so what if he has close female friends, I trust him” role.  You need to watch a bitch,  but of course you wont believe me either ’cause “gyal u hood inna u hole u matey want tek it out, all weh she a do cyan tek di buddy out”

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Comments
16 Responses to “Guest Post | From the Mouth of A Matie”
  1. Emma Lewis says:

    The other WOMAN? I learnt from the Ministry of Health over the weekend that men have an average of FIVE TO SEVEN PARTNERS AT THE SAME TIME and women between two and three. So it’s not just a “triangle” situation. Jamaicans need to stop screwing around, or the rate of HIV/AIDS is going to go through the roof. Do you know who your current partner has slept with – and how MANY? The “wifey/matey” thing is just a way of trying to put a humorous spin on a situation that is out of control.

    • Wow. Even though I know this anecdotally, seeing figures is alarming. That’s a whole LOT of germs. I remember Mommy told me once to think carefully about who you kiss even because it’s like you’re kissing everyone that person’s kissed. A similar rule can be applied to having sex. Our personal relationship practices are really spiraling out of control.

      By the way, your comment was the partial impetus for my latest post on HIV/AIDS (http://wp.me/p10qFp-hI) and the necessity of getting tested; thanks for that.

  2. Shumpy says:

    #12 is dangerously true – I have seen it w. my own eyes w men & women

  3. Ellen says:

    Seems like both maties and wifeys are being screwed over by the selfish men present in all our lives, yet we continue to allow it to happen and BLAME it on love. Where respect is given, it should be due as well, and if we allow men to do what they want, THEY WILL. Putting myself in a man’s shoes, if I have a wife, and then have another relationship with another women, and she allows it, why should I stop? Humans tend to be selfish beings anyways, so I’m just looking out for me, right? But, must be love, must be love that I’m feeling. Also, 1/2 (sometimes 1/3, 1/4 etc…) better than none, right? BTW, I don’t know any male mateys, do you? — Please note that when I say male matey, I don’t mean f*** buddy.

    • Ha! Don’t know any male maties at all. Unless we count the “pool boy” side man? I agree re: the possible man’s perspective. He has not incentive to behave and be honest if there are women who continue to let him have the cake and eat it too. And the effects on the woman — partially shown with the post above — aren’t great either.

      Thanks for your comment and reading the post! Hope you checked out more posts and will come back.

  4. Jo says:

    Thanks for this.a lot of girls need to read this and understand some more of the world of men

    • Yes, and the lies some of us will tell ourselves to ease along the situation.

      Thanks for your comment and reading the post! Hope you checked out more posts and will come back.

  5. DLee says:

    Props to the writer. Glad to hear that she was able to extricate herself after 6 years. Interesting read.

  6. Mali says:

    It’s funny to me that the forefront thoughts in the comments so far is “Men are…”. Sigh…Men are, women are, ‘Humans Be’ screwing up everything! Adults ultimately CHOOSE their situations respective of the way it began…

    With respect to marital situations, the fact that you were with a man and he disappears & gets married..means NOT that you are still entitled to him. Not throwing a jab to the author; however in general, if one CHOOSES to disrespect the marital vow whether you cosign the participants or not, HOW exactly is that anybody else’s blame? No no..that is strictly a BLAME OF SELF.

    Adults need to do better. At a certain point in one’s life, the blame game is moot. My bf of 5 yrs, childhood sweetheart, first everything & all, got married behind my back for papers, and I left him the instant I found out. Was it heart breaking? Sure..haven’t found another like him since. Could I have stuck around until MY MAN got sorted out? He would’ve liked that. Do I have to answer to a higher power than a MAN? The answer to that is key..not to mention Karma ;)

    • Yes, adults choose but I’m not sure that the writer is blaming anyone but perhaps herself. I would say, though, that the blame belongs to both wrongdoers, not just the woman. As for her intent: I took it as providing a window into the mind of one who has chosen to live as the other woman, and hopefully help others thinking about or currently involved in such a situation to see the futility of it all. I took it simply as an explantion of how things were, how they came to be that way, and what she learned from it.

      Sorry about your childhood sweetheart…that’s awful :|

  7. Ms. Nikks says:

    This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. This girl allowed herself to be treated like garbage, I don’t condone being the other woman, but if you’re going to CHOOSE to be the other woman, take charge of how you’re treated. You don’t owe him NOTHING, so why are you sitting around waiting and missing out on opportunities that could make you #1? Ridiculous.

    • Perhaps at this stage in the writer’s life she’s able to feel as strongly and clearly as you do. I damn well and hope so! Clearly at the time she was no where near the place your comment suggests. Then again, it’s hard to demand respect and take charge of how you’re treated when you’ve already allowed and chosen to be marginalized by being the other woman…

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