Guest Post | From the Mouth of A Matie
The post below is anonymous. It comes to CJ courtesy of a submission to Jamaican Blogger Mamachel (she tweets as @mamachell). The issue of the “other woman” is a popular and much debated one in Jamaican culture, which the poster alludes to with her quotations of popular Dancehall tunes. There have been many songs bigging up with wifey and many condemning and bigging up the matie. A friend even told me once that Jamaican family structure was, at one time, stabilized by the matie: this “other woman” was known to the wife, and would not let the man get away with abandoning or failing to take care of his home and children…she knew her place but also had influence and that influence was expected, even appreciated by the wife. However, Jamaica is not alone with the issue of the other woman (see recent stories involving Dominique Strauss-Kahn and the beginnings of the relationship with his current wife, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the maid, Shania Twain and her best friend and now ex-husband, John Edwards blah blah blah). Boys being boys? Or blame the woman? Ever wondered what the other woman thinks? I honestly don’t know and often find myself berating the woman especially if she knows that he has a family. But the men always know, eh? The topic is a slightly touchy topic for me as my family has been “victim” to the cheating bug…matie did not observe number 9 at all but I was told that her failure to do so was the fault of the man in the matter, i.e. he had failed to keep the chick in line. All that said, I find the post below very forthright and raw…and sometimes ironic; she’s certainly put it out there. Read on to find out what the other women thinks. As always, comments and feedback are welcome.
“A gyal a chat tell her fi leave dem alone cus if di body did good di man wuda come hommme , tek di man because u hotta dan she tek a gyal man and tun dat inna matey style”
I wanted to do this blog for awhile the never ending issue of “wifey vs matey.” I feel I am able to speak because I’ve been both, and I am not talking about “open relationships.” I am talking about us women, who commit ourselves to a man who is otherwise engaged (literally or physically). Ever hear of the woman who was a mistress for 20 years and you wonder how come? How could she do that? The answer is not money; I will tell you how: if you do one year, you can do two and after that it’s easy.
I was a mistress for close to 6 years. I was “happy and devoted” to the cause but I actually didn’t set out to become one. I sorta ended up one — long story short, he disappeared for two weeks and came back married. He said it was a mistake, I was 16 he was 18. And he was my dream come true.
I won’t go into details except to say I didn’t set out to hurt anybody, I was just in love. I just thought eventually she would disappear. Nothing dramatic but just that she would just disappear “poof” and I could have my happy life again, because in all truth in the end my true grouse was she was living my life; she had my man, his baby and his house, wtf!!
To all you mistresses out there (aspiring & veteran) you will agree that despite all the “perks” that your situation may come with, there are certain inalienable truths of the mistress life that will forever distinguish you from the term “wife”:
1. The timetable. Every mistress has a timetable. You can’t call after certain hours, you can only call certain numbers, and there is a lot of waiting around. And even if your man is liberal, there is always a time where he is suddenly unavailable
2. The thrill will die. At first he will have all the time in the world for you , don’t worry that’s because his girl/wife hasn’t smelled the rat yet, once she has she will tighten her grip , he will not cause disharmony in his home for you, he will make you wait.
3. Go ahead complain, make noise. The following words will pop up “You’re not being understanding,” “You knew what you were getting yourself into,” and “Nobody not holding any gun to you head.”
3a. Oh and fuck around and make him hear say you outta road wid man, just cause him tell u bout “no gun to head.” Man logic is not woman logic you hear, and unless you can take two punch sit your ass down.
4. You become a hermit. Not all your friends will support this decision. They are your friends and they want to look out for you, but after awhile they won’t be able to sympathise or even understand, so slowly but surely you will be friendless…with no friends you are drawn deeper into your abyss.
5. You are on call/on demand, because you are not the wife. In the beginning of my love affair I saw him every day but at the end of it I remember going 2/3 weeks. Mind you he wasn’t even 20 mins away.
6. You are the rule and not the exception. For one, you are the 2nd in command so you know everything , all the tricks, all the lies…why do you believe he is gonna wife you? By the way if there is a number 2, there is possibly nos. 3 – 6. I know you don’t believe me, you can’t afford to believe me.
7. He has a home. Don’t think your situation is better than the average, yea yea he sleeps over 6 /7 days a week…and so?? “My man” would leave my house at 7AM BROAD DAYLIGHT and it would piss me off. Why!!! Because regardless if he left at noon, he is going home and home isn’t where I live.
8. Sundays & the Holidays are “family time” and you are not family! YOU WILL FEEL LIKE A DUN OUT BAGJUICE. Worse if he’s the type to touch road, memba if she never go road before, she going road Xmas, ’cause Xmas is when the wives come out and Xmas trumps all. #WifeyWinning
9. The harassment. It’s not for every wife, but the majority will call, confront, acid and beer tings why bother? In the same vain, you mates out there stop call and stress out the woman. Do not engage at all with her, at all. TACKY.
10. I implore you: do not breed for a man with a wife…I don’t think I need to explain the damage this causes all around, whether you have the baby or not.
11. Don’t wait untill you find someone else to leave him, for one is beeeer married man going look you, because you unknowingly bear the scarlet M. Just try to leave. It’s hard, you might go back 100 times, a nuh nutten try again.
12. And really more than anything, it’s the after effects that will damage you: when you become a wife. You will have the worst complex in life, to the point where you will become psychotic; remember I said you know the tricks of the trade. Your insecurities will ruin your relationship.
Some of you will nod in agreement, and some still too deep in your abyss to understand what you are doing to yourself. It’s okay. Wait until he starts blaming you for everything. Wait until you skin out in the parking lot at work over your steering wheel or in traffic a blubbering mess, because of what you are putting yourself through. Wait until him walk past you with her in public, or worst with next girl. Oh that wont happen to you right?
Because your man loves you, and wifey knows about you and haffi hold her corner right? Really?!
Now a word to the wives: maybe my situation has made me biased, but some of you need to stop thinking that your husband/man is such a fricking devoted saint. If he has a buddy, he will get lucky. Stop being so blindly trusting; stay deh play the “I’m not jealous, so what if he has close female friends, I trust him” role. You need to watch a bitch, but of course you wont believe me either ’cause “gyal u hood inna u hole u matey want tek it out, all weh she a do cyan tek di buddy out”